Ten Lifetimes Wouldn't Be Enough
Recently I've been feeling really sentimental and emotional about Roly and I becoming parents. Every parent will tell you there are hard parts but that the hard parts are overwhelmingly countered by the good parts. And that is completely true. I used to think that was just a cop-out, something parents told themselves to justify their decision to have children.
For some reason, I thought everyone who had kids regretted it. It's so much sacrifice and hard work, all for someone else who probably won't thank you anyway. It didn't seem like fun to me.
How wrong I was! And naive. And negative. I totally misunderstood the meaning of 'hard' parts too.
Being a wife and mum has truly cracked my heart open in ways I honestly could never have imagined. I've learnt that yes, it's hard to give up your free time, it's hard to get up multiple times in the night, it's hard to put someone else's needs before your own.
But, what's harder is not being able to make your baby feel better when they're sick, to say no when you need to and yes would be easier, the guilt of not really knowing what you're doing.
The really hard part is to have your heart walking around outside your body and to know that you can only ever be a guide, you don't have all the answers for them and the big things in life are the ones they'll have to figure out on their own.
And the hardest part is knowing that even though they'll always be your baby, one day you're going to have to let them go.
So for now, I plan to squeeze every last drop out of life. I want to create memories I can actually look back on fondly, rather than regretting that I wasn't present or too caught up in how things should be.
These days we just get up at 5 am. I used to think that was too early and we'd try to get Max back to bed for an hour. But why fight it? Turns out 5 am is a magic hour. It's quiet and no one else is up, not even the birds. There's no emails, no phone calls, no social media. Just us.
We play. Sometimes we go to the park. Sometimes we go to the beach. Sometimes we chill at home on the deck and watch the sun come up. Sometimes we snuggle and read books.
We always run, because why walk? Seriously, toddlers know how to enjoy life.
PS Here are some photos of us at Nudgee Beach. It was 6 am, low tide and almost no one else was around.